I figured that it is only appropriate for the first post on this site to be a rant about the DMV. I would say the Virginia DMV specifically, except that I get the feeling that my state is not unique when it comes to complete disorganization of a government run facility.

The story begins with my secondary vehicle which is a 1989 Nissan Pathfinder, aptly named “The Black Pearl” by its previous owner. I have carried on the legacy of the now shortened “Pearl” in jest of the individual who sold it to me and it has proven to be an extremely useful vehicle during our short relationship.

Somehow over the last few months, The Pearl’s registration lapsed unbeknownst to me. Even better was I found out about this after waiting in line for an hour from the clerk at the DMV window. It’s a good thing I woke up at 6:30 and schlepped out of my way to go get a new title, only to find out the plates had been deactivated. Now I don’t know if I would say that I am an avid checker of mail, but I at least qualify for checking it daily and sorting things into piles of “junk” and “requires attention.” As much as I would like to toss things such as my power bill in the junk pile, I consider myself a responsible individual and instead pay it on time. Despite my impeccable record of checking and sorting all things that come to my mailbox, the clerk told me that I received the renewal notice in the mail and there was nothing she could do. Naturally there is NO possibility that the DMV made a mistake, nor is there a possibility that this renewal notice was lost in the mail. That’s a battle I just don’t have time for.

While annoying, this is an easily remedied situation. I go have the car inspected (as I do every year) and then kill another hour of my time back at the DMV; if only it were that easy. You see in switching insurance companies recently, I found out that my Virginia title is misprinted and shows the wrong VIN number for the vehicle. I bring up this matter to the woman who has already told me that I should do a better job checking the mail and she disappears to a secret back room presumably with a manager as handcuffed by red-tape as she is. She reemerges to once again shed blame and notify me that the typo originated on a Maryland title and that I would need to speak with someone at the Maryland DMV and then return to get a new Virginia title; that sounds like a fun all-day event. I don’t even like going to Maryland for Redskins games (an activity that I greatly enjoy), why would I want to go spend hours arguing with yet another clerk about how their predecessor screwed up and now I have to pay the price?

I can see the conversation with the Maryland clerk now:

Me: Hi, there is a typo on my vehicle’s title and I was told by Virginia I needed to come here since that is where the vehicle was originally registered.

Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry we can’t do anything with a Virginia title, you’ll have to talk to someone over there.

Me: You see I just came from the Virginia DMV and the manager there said that only Maryland could fix this.

Clerk: I’m sorry sir, but since the vehicle is not registered in Maryland, I cannot access any of the information, nor issue a corrected title.

Me: I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE BRAIN!

My Solution: It’s a 21 year old car that in 4 more years will be classified as an antique if it hasn’t fallen apart by then. I’ve already spent more of my time than this vehicle is worth dealing with this situation, so it will forever be misrepresented in the DMV database. I’ve also been reminded of just how much of a joke the DMV is, so thank you Virginia for all that you do for me and the thousands of dollars I give you every year.